The moment? Or your past, future and legacy?

There are many times in life, you ask yourself, is it really worth it?

You ask this when you see someone die, when you see the outcome of an aweful bloody struggle. When your passion for something just dries up. When your passion for someone just dries up. When you suffer neglect after giving away so much. When you suffer betrayal after giving away so much. When you are in the dark for so long that you forget the mere existence of light, that when someone mentions it you can't even recognize the meaning.

I've been told, when you are old, you always see the past you left behind your back.
You wish you have the faintest slight of hope, that you put something in your sack
of life...

A moment of might, a moment of glory, a moment when you can turn your children your story,
The story is your life, a full life, a life where you fought to be free,

But again, is it worth it? Do you pay all your life for just a story? A story that, in best scenarios, will be forgotten after a hundred years, maybe much less.

Whoever who might come here and read these words, do you prefer to live the moment? Or just worry for your past, for your future, for your legacy?

RIP old friend...

In the last few days I was informed that someone I knew, knew from a long time, committed suicide. A first time I ever encounter the fact that someone I knew committed suicide. I knew her for a few years back, a normal Egyptian girl, her father died in her early teenage. She told us (we were a group of friends in some online forum) about some issues she suffered with her family after her father death. I loved talking to her and reading her literature at that time, since she was some mature mind among a generation (or a neighbourhood, a circle ... you name it) who only cared about the latest boy bands and chick flicks, the usual teenage gossip and stuff most teens do at their teenage. Yea I was/am that kind of nerd.

Anyway, this friend disappeared for several months, no one of her friends able to contact her, just no one. Her mobile was on, never answered the phone calls, never answered the texts. So, people stopped caring one after another, until all of a sudden, she appeared in a new look, she got rid of (or ignored, depends on your position) many society restrictions, social wise and religion wise. I personally don't have any issue with friends' choices as long as they don't affect me as a person, as long they don't force their believes. Anyway, as any human noticing an old friend coming back to life, I tried to contact her again, but to my surprise, I was accused of only being curious about the changes. Offended and shocked, I kept my distance, not knowing what to do. I have this soft side for old friends, specially those friends who become close enough that you become comfortable enough to share your valuable privacy.

So from time to time I tried to make sure she was alright, getting surprised from time to time finding mutual friends from outside the online forum circle. Asking them about her and not being surprised that she is away from them as well. Until when I came to the moment I forgot about her that I suddenly know about her death, that she took her life, after three whole months of the incident. At that moment, I didn't know how to feel, too shocked to feel anything. It is just like she disappeared again. It is just like I want to check on her again to find that nearly all of her recent traces deleted.

It is so damn shocking, a person like her whom I thought by her change that she was seeking some sort of freedom, freedom she didn't have at her life, why now? Why after everything is changing at a very high pace? It is so shocking and sad, like a mountain trapping my heart. This never ending question, the question with no answer, added to many mysteries of life...

So after a few days of knowing what happened, I'm listening to this song that also came to my library few days ago, about a friend asking his fellow to remember remembering him, then asking to forget remembering him, with teary eyes, wishing that she knew that I considered her someone, a human, worth knowing. My name is a human...

RIP Walaa Emam...

Random thoughts

For the first time I just listened to a blog post, a podcast, narrated by a dear friend. A warm voice, emotional music, giving me so much nostalgia about so many chances I missed, skills I could have developed, people I could have made friends, places I wanted to be attached to. How I thought of many things so lightly and how I realize now how important they really are.

I realize the importance of having someone you fully trust, with whom you have all the freedom you want to talk, just talk. I understand people's reactions when they know that I live alone for so long. I understand how is this translated to my endless passion and desire to adhere to something I love, a group of people, a project, something I feel that I can support because what I really need is how to gain back this support.

I realize how short is the span of my attachments, for all my life I was the traveler kind, not staying in the same place from 1 to 3 years, always traveling, always gaining and losing friends, rarely regaining them and sometimes losing them again. I never really experienced how someone can be so lonely until I fell in love then broke up, and for reasons that are not in my hands. Now I understand how strange or silly some people might act because of this...

But, like my friend says, pray that you can go back in time, but you can't...

Random Thoughts

I wonder why do I waste so many chances on people I used to care for, realizing that I need the courage to have enough force to cut it off and move on. I have to keep reminding myself that those you are care for must also care for you, it is a give and take, you can't be such a fool to give for always (a friend is never a mother), and of course, a selfish person who always take, is never worth it.

This should be obvious, but it is amazing how a human being is so blind even with the most powerful eye, even with the best powers of observation. There will be always a missed hint, a missed shot, a misunderstanding.

It is so hard to be clear to a friend, or an ex-friend, who decides not to be clear to you. A friend like that should be wasted off your life as soon as possible.

Random thoughts…

Couples are young so they screw up a lot, their families are too old so they try to make their youngster do what they didn't succeed in in their youth.

 

Sometimes you are so alone, so you go to a big tea party to be more lonely, so you try to get out to get back to yourself. It is like you are the box itself, you can't go in, you can't think out of it. You are stuck. The only solution is to burst yourself to survive.

 

Sometimes you try to mingle with the right people in the wrong time, sometimes with the wrong people in the right time, though both are always better than meeting the wrong people in the wrong time. This worst scenario must be experienced, but must be experienced once, and try as much as you can, never get into this again, and instead, wait, like a hunter, and just shoot. The right people..the right time, just be sure of being right and never care about what others think of. Did someone say that hell is the others?

 

All the talks, all the hypocrisy, you think someone cares, but the thing is, who cares, no body cares until you "earn" the attention. You can't just get something because you deserve, you need to do the extra mile and earn it.

 

I just need to realize that no matter how less I sometimes do, that I should know when does less means less and when does less means more.

 

I need to practice to write myself out more often, to free myself of all the negativity filling my veins, all the negativity that I'm trying to bury for years and years.

 

I need to thank God for the gift of life, and all the other gifts I'm blessed with.

Being free and alive

Being free, and alive…

Freedom of a person is so precious, to the extent that in a society like ours, people are so envious of the full meaning of life while expressing your freedom that they try to insult and humiliate your freedom in every time they could. The person with this sense of freedom, with this sense of life, feeling all these crimes directed towards him but trying to to go on and enjoy every instant of life without regret, without being forced to follow a certain tradition, a certain rule, a certain society chain applied against his will, his imagination, his feelings, his passion, his music, his painting, his philosophy, his love for something he likes. That person is just of full of life, longing for a perfect life where everyone is happy and in love with all their surroundings, be it humans or nature around them.

I just hate it when lively act is being opposed by our idiot society, like a loud laugh, a dance or singing in public, love or passion between a couple…
I just imagine it, when two friends, just friends, a boy and a girl, trying to imagine how their life would be after twenty years. And they bet that the moment they first met, would be the best moment in their entire life. I think that a moment of this kind is just so intense, so full of freedom, imagination, platonic love…
Why is this kind of freedom opposed? Why not just let it go if you are not harmed? Why don’t you just enjoy it when you see that some form of freedom can make someone happy, and even make you feel happy, even if for just the mere feeling that you made someone feel nice, feel alive?
Love, passion, happiness, beauty, art, music, dancing, life…are just kinds of freedom that every human must exercise, must enjoy. Be free…

I discovered that

Life is a journey, not a destination.

The Brave One - 2007

I fell in love with this quote from "The Brave One" movie, this quote is by Judie Foster (Damn that short hair in that movie was not romantic at all, but was scary enough as a vigilante.

New York, the safest big city in the world. But it is horrible to fear the place you once loved and to see a street corner you knew so well and be afraid of its shadow. To see familiar steps, be unable to climb them. I never understood how people lived with fear. Women afraid to walk home alone people afraid of white powder in their mailbox darkness and night. People afraid of people. I always believed that fear belonged to other people. Weaker people. It never touched me. And then it did and when it touches you, you know that it's been there all along waiting beneath the surfaces of everything you loved. And your skin crawls and your heart sickens and you look at the person you once were walking down that street and you wonder, will you?
Will you ever be her again?

I discovered that

I need someone close to me...

Recalling - it was just a dream...

In my teenage I was really enthusiastic about things seen by others as trivial, unimportant, or dull, according to the perception of each person. My everyday people whom I see everyday are unfortunately people of trivial minds, who want only to have fun and screw everything else. Screw reading, screw openmindness, screw good music, screw everything which have value in life...in the other hand people who are concerned, are not that available, once every month, every year, or even more, it is like trying to reach the moon by jumping.

I go home everyday or every night, and have a really deep breathe, and think about my feelings toward life. How did frustrations nearly destroys and is still destroying my will to anything useful in this life, and thinking only day by day without any far-sight. The same frustrations which destroyed the far sight planning. What is the value of having a far sight when its use only to prove to others that they were wrong in their judging and controlling after hell got lose and every great beginning is destroyed.

People who love us, esp our family, always try to help up, in their own way. They always try to give, in their own way. Help is considered help when it is given in time. Food is useless when given to a dead man. Facilities are useless when given after complete frustration. What hurts more is that when these facilities are granted after its right time, you are expected to do what they want, or expect you to be complete satisfied and do what you dreamed for. Not feeling all the hell you felt and all the frustrations you experienced before getting this help. It just adds to your frustrations.

Thinking, thinking, thinking. Thinking circulates my brain. I can't help not thinking about things I experienced, and reanalyzing. Who is wrong and who is right and usually not changing my judgments. I was brought up (unintentionally) to not being attached to any human being, which had double effect. It is easy for me to leave anyone whatever the results were, and it is hard for me to let go of certain people emotionally unless they clearly and directly state their negative side.

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
Blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

I usually felt this song for female friends I came close to, esp those who suddenly disappeared for no reasons, some of them who faked their accepting me as a friend also for unknown reason. It was always for only friendship and nothing more, but maybe it is a society fault or something, leading to these kind of personalities. This gives me experience anyway :), even if it was a hard way.

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have you found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

And it was just a dream...

Discovered that

Everyone must have the courage of the surgeon when he begin the first cut of the operation. Everything just follows naturally after the cut, while you might think a million times afraid of the first moment. Falling in million traps of uncertainty...

When you think of something, go for it, be it right or wrong, mistake or not, you will realize and have the experience, maybe you can give you valuable experience in a place like this...

Give or Leave

This is how I see it. I was always the one who put the fuel. I tend to supply fuel in great quantities and for a very long time with no equivalent refund from the other side. I ended up needing more refund which was not possible for reasons either I don't know, or I don't want to know about. No equation can be stable in this situation and pressure increase to break the whole thing up. And it broke.
Though I still long for that beginning...