Random Thoughts

I wonder why do I waste so many chances on people I used to care for, realizing that I need the courage to have enough force to cut it off and move on. I have to keep reminding myself that those you are care for must also care for you, it is a give and take, you can't be such a fool to give for always (a friend is never a mother), and of course, a selfish person who always take, is never worth it.

This should be obvious, but it is amazing how a human being is so blind even with the most powerful eye, even with the best powers of observation. There will be always a missed hint, a missed shot, a misunderstanding.

It is so hard to be clear to a friend, or an ex-friend, who decides not to be clear to you. A friend like that should be wasted off your life as soon as possible.

Free thoughts

Every human relation, every human act, every human thought has its own reference. A human reference. This human reference can be noble or not. Can be justified to be over religion and ethics. At the moment of doing a certain life/death act you don't think that this act is right or wrong, you just do it with a big to-hell to the whole world.

We always complain about people, what people will say, what way they will look at you. Really...what's the use? Do they feed you? Usually not. So? People will always talk and will never stop. Why would you surrender?

Sometimes this is done internally. When a certain person is afraid that he is wrong though he is not. Being ashamed when there is no need to. Self fear, self censorship, leading to self destruction. Be it totally or just in one's soul. When you can't face yourself and retreat away with no excuse, with no warning, with no month notice. You just go away, leaving your soul away, surrendering everything which had some meaning, some value, some memory, some life.

I hate this way of letting away things with no known reasons, I feel confusion for a long time before I try (usually failing) to overcome this confusion. Analyzing and reanalyzing it again for so so long. I really want to tell myself: "It is over you idiot, don't waste your time and nerves on it. Any ended thing can never be the same again as it was and enjoy the moment as it is and never think about it when it is gone". But I just can't. I don't have the strength. I just keep myself absent from the world acting the victim blaming the whole world for my so-called misery, though in my current life I must feel content.

I don't waste my time. I have a life, a job, good cooperative work team, a perfect sister... What do I want more?

Maybe I want annoying people/relatives to leave me alone and know how destroying they are to me, again we go to the point of strength of facing. Yes, this is what I want...

The force to face anyone in the face and tell them they are annoying. And I'm glad that I'm succeeding in that.

P.S. Rediscovering Celine Dion, love the A New Day Has Come album :)

Give or Leave

This is how I see it. I was always the one who put the fuel. I tend to supply fuel in great quantities and for a very long time with no equivalent refund from the other side. I ended up needing more refund which was not possible for reasons either I don't know, or I don't want to know about. No equation can be stable in this situation and pressure increase to break the whole thing up. And it broke.
Though I still long for that beginning...